2019. This year has been hard.
So much has happened this year. There has been lots of ups but damn has it been emotional and sad.
I have been seeing a therapist from the start of the year and I am so glad I had the extra support as I have so needed it. I definitely could not have handled this year had I still been drinking.
I went through relationship heartbreak twice when my on/off ex-boyfriend ended things, not once but twice. Stepping away from that toxic pattern with him has been the biggest learning curve of my year. Having the support from friends and my therapist and learning more about intermittent reinforcement has helped me to move away from a hugely toxic relationship.
In the midst of all of this my lovely dad died.
We knew it was coming and the way he was living was just not living at all but it doesn’t make it easier. He was never going to get better. He had been ill for a long time but every part of me just feels how desperately unfair it was. How unfair that such a kind and devoted man would be so ill. So unfair that he had to endure so much and yet never complained. So unfair that someone so full of life was slowly stripped away of all the things that made him who he was.
I am more focused than ever on healing.
Healing my heart. Letting go of all the things I had been hoping would happen and embracing all the things that I have. I am focused on building the life I want for myself, all the time trying to enjoy my life as it is, right now.
Sobriety is just the first step.
I don’t think I realised how much healing there was to be done. I now know that there are many deep layers that I need to uncover and work on. The grief I have experienced this year has helped me to see what I need to work on next.
1. Healing family relationships
For many reasons I have had a very strained relationship with my mum and it has had a huge impact on my life. This feeling of hurt and frustration has been something I have carried for a long time and has been a recurring theme in my romantic relationships.
In August I did a a cord cutting ritual with Grace Hazel and at the start of the ritual I was asked to visualise my mother behind me, supporting me and I just couldn’t stop crying. It was then that I realised how much these old patterns/old pain have been holding me back in terms of my relationships.
This is something I really struggle with. I hate giving up and in previous relationships I really have felt that if I just gave it all my effort, that my partner would see my worth. That they would want to stay. That they would see I was worth loving. It was never the case though. I would give and give and get so little in return. I would tolerate verbal and physical abuse, always thinking that it must be me. There must be something wrong with me because this person, who at times would show me so much love and affection, would turn and say the most horrendous things to me. Having an ex boyfriend punching holes in my wall and calling me all the names under the sun still wasn’t enough for me to walk away.
This is one I am going to keep working on & then work on it some more.
3. Be More Present
I have been so distracted. With the emotional turmoil that has been going on in my life, I haven’t been present in the way I should be. I am back to basics in terms of self care.
- Eating well
- Sleeping enough
- Drinking plenty of water
- Taking vitamins
I am committed to giving what I am doing my full attention. Especially in respect to my children. We have less time than ever to really connect and I want those moments to be fully present. Out of my head and into the moment.
Sobriety opens the door to healing.
It is only because I stopped drinking that I am able to focus on healing now and I am certainly nowhere near done. I hope I am never done. I hope I continue to grow and continue to heal. I am grateful for the opportunity to make life better. For me. For my kids.