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Heartbreak.

The last 3 years have been the hardest of my life.

Being a lone parent is no easy feat. Let alone trying to factor in work, dating and a disruptive ex-husband! I moved into my own house with the children in February 2015 and settled into a new routine. My ex was still causing me emotional distress and manipulating where he could. Whether it was demanding I pay “rent” on the car we shared or threatening to not take the children at agreed times. Despite this, I was feeling good, not heartbroken.

Initially, I had hoped we could resolve things but after a few weeks and finding out he was dating someone already I decided to finally move on.

Only a few months after the split with my husband I met someone new.

Looking back, it was far too soon for me to start dating. I was still an emotional wreck and hadn’t yet found my feet in this new part of my life. The relationship provided light relief from the ongoing distress that my ex would cause. We enjoyed fun weekends together but due to his work being a few hours away we didn’t spend a huge amount of time together.

Had I known this relationship would leave me terribly heartbroken.

I would have let things come to an end when he tried to break things off after we had a week on holiday together, a few months down the line. His reasoning was he couldn’t commit to me and my children in the way that I wanted.
I couldn’t understand his hesitation when from my perspective things were so good. I was caught up in the exciting first part of a new relationship and didn’t want to let it go.

The relationship was littered with alcohol-fuelled moments.

He was a big drinker and at the time I wasn’t drinking too much, a few years of minimal drinking due to the kids had left me with more “normal” drinking habits. I would drink at the weekend when we were out but he always took things to another level.

His narcissist streak would really come out after drinking, often driving drunk, thinking himself about everyone. He existed on beers in the evening and coffee during the day.

He often would let me down, not show up because he was hungover. It left me in heartbroken pieces.

A lot of old habits surfaced again.

The relationship was a constant source of stress. His job dictated when he was available and often meant be having to drive 3 and a half hours to see him. On top of having the children on my own all week, trying to work to build the business I was growing. I was an anxious mess.

I started smoking again and drinking more and more frequently and excessively towards the end of our relationship. My feelings, my wants, my needs were not a priority to him and I would often drink because I felt upset.

He finally ended things 10 months into our relationship.

He didn’t want to commit. He didn’t want a family life with me. I was completely heartbroken. I was already so beaten down from our relationship, where I gave him so much of myself. Almost immediately I started drinking to excess. Just to numb the pain I was going through. 

I fell for his charm. But it wasn’t real. I wasn’t me in the relationship. I made myself smaller to fit in with him. I willingly gave of myself to someone who didn’t appreciate it or deserve it.